I'm gonna be 31 this May with just IDR 25 million (approximately just shy of USD2000) in my bank account. I had a dream of making this day trading a viable way of living, I was going to make IDR 100 million per week and that would be the first phase of the ambition which I hoped that it would go well to IDR 500 million per week but again, my fucking luck, my fucking cursed luck took me from profiting IDR 100 million on June 2016 to now only $2000 in my bank account, fucking piece-of-shit $2000.
I tried my best, I swear to fuckin' God, I did my absolute best to turn things around. I prayed to God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, I prayed to Buddha, I prayed to Baron Samedi, I even tried to pray to Lucifer, make a deal with him but nothing. No entity showed up and gave me any miracles, I tried applying jobs since 2015 to 2016, no one would hire me. I tried doing some MLM business in 2015 but to no avail, it didn't pan out. I tried making a deep-dish pizza business started but again, it fucking died on me. Then, I got into day trading again and got really into it when I started getting profits, I was so sure that this was IT, I was so sure that I finally found something that I am good at. I thought that this is going to be my ticket to finally being comfortable with my life, to be able to buy stuff that I don't need, getting an apartment and finally, getting a car that I can pay for my own.
Now, that dream is gone. That ambition is extinct. That hope is perished. I have nothing left, I have no plan to back my life. People say that when you have something that you're passionate about you don't give up and you will succeed in doing it but where's mine? Where is my moment? I am passionate about day trading but where is my reward? I had to give up because I will lose my $2000 if I keep pushing it.
I am severely depressed right now, I keep crying uncontrollably this past few days because I don't have anything, I can't imagine things anymore, I can't imagine living in a cozy little 2-bed apartment, chilling in front of a 65-inch 4K TV with my girlfriend because it won't happen now. I don't even know how to get fucking $500 now. I tried googling depression help in Indonesia but you know what? There is no online help or even a center for depression in Indonesia. People would say I'm lazy, sleeping all day and all night but I am not, I tried going to bed early but I can't... I keep having this questions in my head, "what now? what do we do now?" and I don't have the answer and I keep falling asleep at noon because I know that there is this chemical looming inside my brain to make me feel sleepy all the time but my family would think that I am lazy.
To be honest, I don't care anymore. Everything that I do, everything I make will fail. The word 'try' will always keep me company for the rest of my life, I think. Everyone say keep pushing, keep going but at this point, I am really tired. I am tired of losing, I am tired of keep pushing with no success inside, I'm fuckin' tired of having shits threw against me by my fate and destiny. I keep watching people getting good, getting success in just a snap of a finger and some with a little effort, well, where is my success? Where is my moment? Where is my time?
I wanna be happy, who doesn't? I want to have millions and millions in my bank account. I wanna have my own place. I wanna have my own car. I wanna go on vacation on my own dime. I wanna have a girlfriend that I can pamper. I wanna retire my mom and let her live off of me. I wanna be the best of me.
That was my hope. That was my dream.
It's gone now.