I guess I always been unhappy since my childhood, I never fit in with any type of people in my school, heck I'm even an outsider in my own family. The part that differs me the most from any person in my surroundings, I feel was and still is the jokes and/or people trying to be funny, I grew up watching The Simpsons, FRIENDS and all Hollywood TV series, I grew up with a Western mentality and ways of thinking, I think that is why I just don't find any of the jokes here funny or even amusing. By the way, I live in Jakarta, Indonesia - In Jakarta, just watching people falling down the street is consider funny. I think that was the stem of my unhappiness, the feeling that I just don't belong in this city, in this environment, in this country, it has led me to my current predicament right now.
Fast forward to me now, I am currently unemployed after working for different companies not because I was bad at my jobs but every single of those jobs were making me dead inside, in exception of my Senior Editor job, I was good at it, I thrive on it but again, being in this city truly corrupted my soul to the point that I can't even write a single paragraph. I tried to become rich by entering the Forex market, I was pretty damn good, in 2012, I managed to turn $2,000.00 into $8,500.00 in just three and a half months but I really don't know what happened, it was like my mojo was nowhere to be found, it's like that scene in Limitless when the drug effect was gone, in 2013 until now, I couldn't replicate that form.
Every single person in my family expect me to just get a job and just be happy with what you got but how can I do that if I'm already dead inside. I grew up wanting to be more than my family, I wanted to be rich, successful, not famous just filthy rich writing for the movies, I wrote several movie scripts in English and some of the writers in the screenplay forum even thought that my movie scripts were good but need work, as you can see by my writing, my grammar is a bit off, but how can I sell my scripts to any Hollywood agents if solicitations are not welcomed. It's like that quote from Fight Club, “we've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off" and I am, I'm slowly picking up the pieces that everything I do, it'll ultimately end in failure, even a psychic told me that and I am very pissed off by it.
Right now, I have the chance to move away from all of this and live in New York, the one city that always have my heart, I love everything about this city but I couldn't get the sponsorship to live and work there. This might be my last chance to get a life and even the universe couldn't give me that, oh I'm going to try to go and live in New York one way or another but a part of me is thinking, what if this too end in failure like the rest of my tries. What's next? Suicide? Well, suicide is not an option because I already tried it, twice and even that ended in failure. I tried everything even illogical things like praying to God, trying to make a deal with Lucifer, creating an altar for demigods but none of it ever pan out.
My point of this entry is not to complain about my life, although it reads like a letter of complaint to life but I just want to know if some of you are experiencing something like my situation or feeling the same thing I feel?